Hickies, piercings, tatoo's...Lions, Tigers and Bears...OH MY!

I'm sitting in the Dr. office of all places where everyone eve's drops, and my daughter informs that she can't wait to be 18 because she wants to get a belly button ring. Why can't the week just start off slow? The first thing I thought was Dorothy and The Wizard of Oz. I also thought about the first time we were faced with the knowledge that our beautiful innocent daughters weren't so innocent. OK maybe it wasn't the very first time but it definitely stands out.



I remember it like it was yesterday. Standing in the kitchen getting ready to serve a beautiful dinner with both of the Grandmas over. It was summer, a hot sunny beautiful day, and my sweet little girl walked thru the door with her long flowing blonde hair pulled into a ponytail and a cute little tank top on. She walked over to give me a hug and as she was walking over I saw what No mother wants to see. A HICKEY! EEEWWWWW! Are you joking! Of course it was during a family dinner. Of course one of the Granny's saw the stupid thing at the same time I did, and of course...Dad was in the room also. What a proud moment. I know I know it's not like she came in pregnant, or with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. But, few things register on my chart as more dirty looking than a hickey! T-R-A-S-H-Y!.

I acknowledged her branding by a nice little poke in the neck and with clenched teeth told her to at least have the decency to take her hair down. She of course acted like I was a complete fool and said "What, its not a hickey" Yeah riiiiiight. Seriously her hair was in a ponytail! Have MERCY girl!!!!!!!!!!



The next day in the car my other teenage daughter was in the back seat and we had all of the windows down, wouldn't you just know it the wind blew her hair and sure enough she had one tooooo! I about wrecked the car. I blew up. The typical bad reaction to a very typical teenage or even pre-teen right of passage. Although I will tell you honestly I have NEVER EVER had a hickey NOT ONE! But, I know that a hickey doesn't make a person a serial killer. Stay with me I'm on a roll.

My question after the rant was...exactly what were the hands doing while the hickey giving was going on? That got me a big fat "GAWHHHHH MOM you are SO WEIRD! Why would you ask that?" Well why wouldn't I? I mean seems to me that the hands are a very important part of the equation. Um and what was the hickey process working toward? I mean was that just an accidental oops I kissed you a little to hard. Hope your parents don't get upset I don't want to be disrespectful. I doubt it!
These raging hormonal years are such a killer for parents. I understand and even remember the powerful feelings of being a hormonal teenager in lust. But I would have at least had the self respect to not be BRANDED by some sex crazed BOY! GRRR! If by chance it did happen I would have used the spoon trick, or gathered all of the make-up I could find and try to cover it up. But nooooo not my sweet little baby. She wore her hair in a PONYTAIL! I've since come across other challenges that seem to be even more monumental...never the less this was a big one.

What do ya'll think. Am I crazy or am I on the right track.

You Guys Make Me Feel Like NOTHING!

Well, I didn't intend to make anyone feel like nothing! Geez as a mom I always try to build my girls up. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I haven't said things that I immediately wished that I could erase and take back. I have said things that weren't exactly confidence builders. But I do think I am very consciencious of their self-esteem and I always want to boost it not deflate it. So for one of them to look at me and say "WE" feel like you don't even want to know us. You make us feel like we are NOTHING>Like our opinion doesn't even count!
AHHHH Now we are getting to the real story.
My girls and probably yours are really at a disadvantage I think. They are not being given the gift of humility and the skill of timing. From home to school to church...everyone wants to reason with them. Or give them the power. NOOOOO!
Everyone wants to talk and reason with young people. I think we have gone overboard. There is a line between teaching someone something by talking to them and explaining the consequences of choice to them and then executing that plan, and reasoning to the point of handing over power.
I didn't exactly have the model parents. But I also knew where the line was. I probably learned it from my grandparents more than my own parents. But when my grandparents had friends over to play cards or for an evening cocktail, I knew that I was not welcome in the room with the adults.
I also knew that when someone older than I gave me an order or some direction, whether it be on behavior or otherwise it didn't matter what I thought about the subject I'd better give a quick nod and a yes ma'am and be on my way. Or else. And yes, the or else was probably a spanking. Not a beating but a good old fashioned spanking.
I am not in therapy because I got spankings or didn't get to be in the grown up room, and it's not because my opinion didn't influence the authority around me.

My girls really believe that they have a skin in the game. They believe that what they think should be heard and considered before any kind of decision or punishment is handed down. WHAAAT!
I will not take responsibility for everything that goes wrong in their lives. But I will own the fact that I have probably allowed them to feel like they have a little more rope than they actually do. I think that their age snuck up on me and before I knew it they were cunning, sneaky, selfish...normal teenage girls willing to use whatever method necessary to get their way. One thing I can hang my hat on is that I am raising girls who will fight for their view to the death...Poor sucker who tries to stand up to it. I will probably have to apologize at the engagement party to all of the wonderful young men that will be my future sons.
Back on track.
We are now dealing with young ladies that when push comes to shove like to express their views with little regard for the parent child boundaries.
Now, there has only been 1 incident that has gotten to what I would consider a dangerously tense level. Not bad for almost 18 years ( do I sound like I'm looking for support)?
They are really pretty respectful girls. But, I have been caught many times in the frustrating situation where they have really messed up and we sit them down to tell them what the punishment will be for their choices they have turned it into the "I don't matter, I don't get to have an opinion, I feel like nothing saga. PUKE.

The last time we went thru this lovely scene one of the girls said she felt like we didn't even want to hear her opinion, and that her opinion didn't even count. My husband had to break it to her that HER OPINION DIDN'T COUNT!
They are can HAVE an opinion but I would venture to guess that 99 out of 100 times it won't change the outcome of the situation. And expressing it with all of the tact that they've learned in their 16 and 17 years really only makes it worse!

How do you guys handle this? Is it even a problem for you?
My real true thought on the subject, you get to use your opinion to affect my life when you have your own life, and aren't mooching off of mine anymore. The End!

Is Grounding Outdated?

So National Grounding Day is just around the corner. I am talking about report card day. We have experienced periods on and off that our girls haven't performed up to their potential in our expert opinion, and we have grounded them.

They haven't only been grounded for grades, we would never limit them like that. No we try to be very well rounded so we include: lying, late for curfew, disrepect, sassing back, under age drinking, drugs...Ok the last 2 may need something a little more stiff but you get the idea.

In the beginning I felt like just a good old fashioned grounding was a good route. But, as my girls have gotten older and their "currency" has changed so too have my views on grounding.

I was the QUEEN of being grounded in High School. I was grounded before of after almost every major event. I was grounded most weekends. I was grounded for an entire summer once. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it. I have spoken to my daughters about my bouts with grounding when I was their age. I mistakenly thought I was "relating" to them. That I was showing them that I felt much the same way that they were feeling. That I remember the frustration of staying home and missing out on things. I felt like by telling them that I understood what they were going thru and even in my elderly state could recall what they felt, in my mom mind I thought it would help....aaaaa no. It has proven the exact wrong thing.

They turned it around and said "well if you remember how bad it was, and you still did things against the rules, and you still got in trouble sometimes for the same things you were grounded for, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO US"? Oh they are cunning!

I guess what it did for me, well after I simmered down, was make me look at how grounding may have a different spin than it did in the 80's.

When I got grounded it looked a little something like this: No phone calls; No TV; No car once I was 16; No dates; I may even have to to a humiliating chore like walk the dog in public, or mow the lawn! OMG!!!!!!!! I can't think about it, it makes my cheeks hot with embarrassment.

When my daughters are grounded it went from the traditional old school grounding to:

No cell phones when they get home from school. No texting during school--we look at the records online. No sleepovers here or anywhere else. To bed at a decent hour. No computer chatting. No car after school unless it's to church or work...or to run an errand for me.

This is like the most dumbed down version of punishment in the world in my view. I mean it sounds more like a relief to me than punishment. In fact I am looking for ways to get grounded! But, what I had to realize was those are the things that are most important to them.

The cell phone especially. It's the one that gives me the most satisfaction (I'm a sicko) because it's the only one that really proves to get a reaction and hurts the most. I mean isn't that the idea.

I don't want to ground them. It totally feels like punishment for me! I DO NOT LIKE FOR THEM TO BE HERE 24/7! I love them but I too need a break-sheesh-.

But it all goes back to the basics for me. With every action and choice there is either a reward or a consequence. If you make a choice to go against a rule then you accept the consequences of those actions. Even if it's hard for me to enforce and stick to.

We don't surprise them with the consequence they are fully aware before they make their choices.

I mean it's not like we can put them in jail or turn them over to someone else for a while...like a teenage halfway house or something. So our options are limited.

Grounding even though it looks different than it did back in the day, still seems to be a viable option for punishment. At least in my opinion.

Sound off! Commm annnnn!

Wow, I think that outfit is a little too little---sweety!

My goodness sakes if I still had the body of a 16 to 18 year old I would probably have a hard time wearing clothes that weren't "fitted". I would do just about anything to have that body again and if I did would want every person out there to know about it. Sad but true. OH Puh-leaz...anyone over 35 feels the same way. So, what does this have to do with my stunningly beautiful teenage daughters you ask? Well they are 16 to 18 with killer bodies, and not so much modesty. Well at least they don't have as much as I or even more than that their Daddy would like for them to have.

One of my girls came down stairs a few days ago with a new "dress" on. It looked to be about a 2T! It was very very small maybe even microscopic. I am being a little dramatic but NOT MUCH!

This will give you some idea...even she thought maybe she shouldn't wear it to school because it was tight and short. Well thank goodness! Sheesh. It looks great as a shirt. Not so much as a dress.

Here's the thing, we have repeatedly stressed the importance of being appropriately dressed. For lots of reasons.

So that they are not looked upon negatively by those of authority, school teachers, administrators, other parents and on and on. They also need to be aware that those clothes draw a certain kind of attention. Whether it is intended that way or not. I don't think they can possibly be ready to deal with the consequences of a man younger or older getting the wrong signal from a clothing choice they may have made. I also think that there is no need for a young girl their age to have clothes that make them feel sexy. The only reason to feel sexy, in my opinion, is to have sex. If I make an effort to feel sexy, it is to benefit my marriage. They don't have one of those (a marriage) so feeling sexy is really a NO NO!~

I think back to when I was in high school and the fashions that were popular. It was during the late 80's. So Madonna, colored reeboks, pegged jeans, 3 izods with the collar flipped up etc. I remember when I got a bunch of O rings at The Marry-go-round and wore them ALL at once...my Mom almost had a nervous breakdown. She said I looked dirty, and unkept. That I looked like I didn't care one bit about how it made my family look. There was NO SKIN in any questionable area showing. No butt crack. No cleavage. No belly button ring. Just bracelets on my wrists, and rings on my fingers~! My goodness.

I can't wait until people tuck their shirts in again and girls are happy leaving just a touch to the imagination. I mean really.

Do I sound old fashioned or am I on track?

Sound off, lemme know what you think.

4/12/09 "Hey Mom, When I Turn 18...What Do I Get To Do"?

"Hey Mom, so when I'm 18...like what do I get to do?" That was the latest question posed to me during a recent makeup buying expedition. My answer--VOTE.
Which of course was met with a HUGE eye roll and a, "you are so annoying!"
And I'm thinking, aaaa yah you too! I mean the 18 year old question isn't really any different than the 16 year old question. Nothing changes at midnight on the last night that my daughter is 17. At 12:01am on her birthday she is not going to become responsible and ready to take on the world.
I believe anything is possible, but really? No...it's NOT likely.

I am a Dr. Phil watcher. In fact truth be known I often in the midst of a crisis filled day I am convinced that we may be "The Next Dr. Phil Family". Have probably prayed for it.
I've heard him say as well as some other child psychologists that a persons brain isn't fully developed until they are between 22 and 25. So why would she be ready for full adult privelges at 18? Who made the stupid rule anyway that says you are an adult at 18?! I wasn't an adult until I was at least 25. I mean I think that slowly as with anything else they need to be given more and more responsibility. I obviously know that they need to learn and have survival skills before leaving the nest and going to college.

I asked her what she thought she should be able to do? Of course first thing was the curfew---ugh! Stay home for the weekend alone if we are traveling and she has to work. First that smells fishy. I mean besides the fact that if we were going out of town. I am sure she would ask off! AND she'd have a party! I would if I were an 18 year old girl home alone for the weekend. She really thinks we are dim. So, the curfew, stay home alone. Next, well I should be able to do things like go to Bloomington, or Layfayette (IU or Purdue) or spend the night downtown after a concert or something with my friends. OMGSH!!!!! My first thought...this girl is smoking crack.
But then I recalled my 18th birthday. I spent it at Purdue-it was Grand Prix weekend. OOPS! Still ummmm NOPE!
Words to live by "When You Know Better, You Do Better". I completely remember that weekend. I know better. SHE'S NOT GOING>>UNLESS SHE SNEAKS>>>SHE MIGHT.
I will let my girls learn how to enter the adult world. But at 12:01am on their birthday I will not hand over the reigns. When they pay their way, and don't ask for our help...then they've made it.

Sound off! Come on gals.

Curfew - Nothing Good Happens after Midnight!

I remember hating my curfew! I mean just getting M-A-D when I had to be home by a certain time. Even though 90% of the time there wasn't anything to do after 11:30 or 12 anyway. Just knowing that I had to be home was annoying.

Nowwwww I understand. I understand that my Mom just wanted to go to bed. I mean she'd worked all day, and probably had a million other pressing issues that couldn't have ever entered my mind, and she wanted to go to bed knowing that I was home.

So here I am with these teenage girls, on of which is on the verge of being 18.

Yes, they have a curfew. It just cracks me up that all of the things - every single rule that just burned me as a teenager, are the VERY things that are the biggest sticking points for my husband and I. Figures.

Their curfew is 11pm. Legal curfew is 1am. Seriously? Why? So, my girls ( the negotiators) are always trying to get us to move it back to midnight. NO.

First of all I don't want to have to stay up until midnight every night of the weekend.

Second, if they are late then I'm up until 2am because of the lengthy lecture that will come when they come in late!

Third---NOTHING GOOD IS GOING ON PAST 11PM! Nothing, period.

Just think about it. When does any party start to ramp up adult or otherwise? After 11. When I was hitting the bar scene, back when I was cool, we didn't even get ready to go out until 10pm. So when we got to the bar or party it was 11 and then we were in the thick of it.

Unfortunately they have more friends that have a midnight or later curfew than they do friends that have to be in at 11. My argument for that is well then they can come over to our house until its time for them to go home.

I try to choose my battles carefully. I mean there are soooo many things that I could just pick pick pick at but I don't. But curfew is an important one for me. It may just be the one thing that

keeps them from getting into a bad situation. One that they aren't prepared to handle. If they have to be home before the magic hour (midnight) then maybe we can cut out a few of the crazy things that "could" happen.

Am I living in La La Land?

Sound off. What are your rules about curfew?

4/10/09 Sleepovers? WHY?

OK so I more and more have a problem with my teenage girls having sleepovers. My 16 year old daughter has had a group of 11 girlfriends that she has run around with for the past 5 years. I LOVE these girls. I feel like I know most of them well and enjoy them. But...more times than not in a "pack" they are a recipe for disaster. I haven't caught them doing anything at our house. Let me restate that. I have YET to catch them doing something at our house. I know I know I'm probably crazy thinking that they haven't pulled the wool over my eyes. I know they've been caught at some of the other girls houses being less than virtuous. Whatever the case. I am starting to really consider not letting my girls have any more sleepovers.
They can drive, and have a car. Is there really a need to spend the night at someone's house?
I feel like by letting them spend the night I am basically giving them a "get out of jail free card". Kind of looking the other way.
I fully expect my daughters to test the waters. I would be KRAZY to think they wouldn't. I was the "fun" girl, and my husband (Mr. Serious Business) was Mr. Party. So I'm not completely blind. But do I really need to give them a license?

Here is my dilemma...I don't want to keep them from having the fun, hilarious memories that are made on girlfriend sleepover escapades. Think of the scene from "Grease" when everyone is spending the night at Frenchies house. I think of spending the night with my girlfriends and some of the super fun memories I have. But, most of the really fun memories involve something that I as a their parent, not their friend should be doing everything I can do to prevent.
UGH!
What about you? When you really take an honest look at things is it a good idea or is spending the night just one of those things that we let them do and HOPE that they don't screw up?
Sound off.

4/8/09 Dating Dilema: Age, Car, Doubles?? Dating Drama it's a doozy!

When the love bug hits, there is no stopping it. So in my limited experience with my oldest 2 daughters the "boyfriend" thing starts to really take shape in Middle School. I mean one of my girls got a ring for a Christmas present in 8th grade. A little kooky...and thankfully she thought the same thing and broke things off with the boy and his mother (another story) shortly after Christmas. Shew! But by freshman year in High School the dating, boyfriend drama is in full swing! Blekk! It's brutal, but a right of passage.

So, it seems like the average age to be allowed to car date - alone - 1 on 1 is the ripe old age of 16. Sweet 16. Seems like if they are dating the "Sweet 16" thing may be an oxymoron. That's just my opinion. So what I wonder is why we feel like going from 15 to 16 in one day makes for a great decision maker? Why when a girl turns 16 do we say it's OK to date. I should by the way bring myself up to date and use the correct terminology. We let them "hook-up". Which I'm told doesn't always mean sex. I guess hooking up can mean anything from 1st base to a grand slam. UGH!

We have 2 1/2 teenage girls. The older 2 have both had at least one serious boyfriend. Which on some levels I am glad. I mean you have to have some practice and start learning what you don't want to spend the rest of your life with, right? So it's pretty normal for a girl to date in high school. It's also pretty normal to have at least one serious boyfriend by the time a person is 18. I guess my question is this. My daughters (bless their hearts) are NOT any different than I was at 16. I was stupid. I was a bad decision maker, and lucky that I didn't end up "in a family way". So sad to say but it's true.

Let's cut to the chase. Dating leads to sex. Sex at 16 is not a great path. Emotionally and mentally it's a recipe for disaster. I mean really speaking from personal experience during my own teen years, and those of my girls so far, not much has changed. Girls want to be loved and cherished by a boy. Doesn't matter if you think you are the one set of parents raising an independent girl...you aren't-girls want love. Boys on the other hand have one mission. To have sex with our daughters. It's true. My girls have asked us several times why we don't like any of the boys they bring home. Each time I give the same answer. It's hard to look into the eyes of the enemy and be nice. I mean his goal is to have sex with my beautiful little girl--my job is to foil all attempts. Basically I guess what I'm saying is why set them up for heartache at 16? Why is that the age that seems appropriate? Are we just saying 16 because that's the age that we were able to date?

Let me know what you think.

4/7/09 Does Your Daughter Need A Mobular Intervention?

My girls are ADDICTED to texting and technology. They cannot stop texting. My husband and I have tried to talk to them rationally about the fact that their texting habits are invading their time and space, and affecting their performance in the classroom. We are speaking different languages.

I have tried to think back to the mid to late 80's when I was their age. Back in the day when the olive green, banana shaped push button phone was attached to a jack in the wall, and to my ear. I have tried to recall all of the obsessive forms of communication that I used to constantly access my friends/boyfriends. So the list goes a little something like this:

*Talking on the phone for hours on end. Don't forget the fact that there was no call waiting. So if there had been an emergency well...tooo bad I was talking about everyone elses outfit from that day. and who was talkin' to who's boyfriend. So much drama! I'm quite sure none of it was about my homework or my impending educational path. It was all nonsense. Never the less it was seemingly very important to me.

*The NOTE. The handwritten, creatively folded, multicolored ink NOTE. Oh the note. I got in trouble and grounded so many times because I accidentally left a note in the back pocket of my jeans and when my mom was doing me a "favor" by washing my clothes (please refer to day one...I do "favors" or snoop all of the time for my girls) she would find "the note". It seemed that she always found the notes with damning information. Who was having the kegger, how I didn't have any lunch money left for cigarettes. They were always chucked full of curse words, and ever so colorful descriptions of my Mom. We even had a NOTE - Notebook. A designated notebook that we passed back and forth that was just "notes" talking back and forth about----nothing...

So, first let me say I LOVE my cellphone, so on some level I get the cellphone connection. BUT...I pay the bills. Bottom line. So, when is it time for an intervention? How do you get past the entitlement they feel about having the cellphone? What are your rules about usage? Does it even matter? What about texting during school hours? Sound off Mommas. This is an issue at our house for sure!!! Let it all out!

4/6/09 First Entry

So, I was just at my therapists office today dealing with a host of issues (to be discussed later, maybe). Not the least of which is learning how to navigate life with 2 soon to be 3 teenage girls. 17, 16, and 13 (well almost). I have a 10 year old daughter also, but she is still not monsterous. NOT YET. I know it's coming. I KNOW IT'S COMING!

So, I'm sitting in the therapists office trying to use my 60, ok 50 minutes wisely. Dealing with MY issues, which inenvitably always leads back to my daughters and how to be a "good Mom". How am I doing as a Mom? How are we doing, my husband and I as parents? How will we survive this? I mean I hate to say it but it feels like an assult. I love my girls. I mean I love them as much as everyone else loves their kids. They are what makes my heart sing. Unless they are making it shatter that is. They are what brings me to tears of joy. Unless they are bringing me to my knees in tears of heartache and sadness. I LOVE THEM. I just don't know how much I like them most of the time. I mean if I listen to Dr. Phil...which I do almost daily. I would say that I need to reason with them. Find their currency and negotiate a good family plan that includes both rewards and consequences. If I were to listen to Dr. James Dobson, I would start with some tough love. Biblically based training, that would hopefully lead to a socially, ethically, morally responsible adult. But, I just can't find the magic bullet. I know I'm not alone. I mean I just watched Oprah. She was talking to Mom's of young children and how their lives changes after having children. "The things no one tells you before you have kids". I agree with the fact that Mom's don't really tell eachother how bad it is sometimes.

I saw a study not long ago that said the of the 2500 parents polled 70% SEVENTY PERCENT said that if they'd known what was lying ahead when they decided, or in some cases happened thankfully to get pregnant (LOL!) in the teenage years that they would NOT have had children!!! At first I pretended to be one of those Moms that would have a jaw dropping reaction. One that resembled "Oh that is TERRIBLE". Instead I had to acknowledge my true feelings. A little trick I have picked up in therapy. I had to be honest with myself and own the fact that I would probably be one of those people?! One of the 70%, SCARY> I mean I have 4 daughters for Pete's sake. They will all eventually be teenagers right?



I just don't have the time or space right now to go sit down with a group of women that would talk me thru the trials of these crazy years. I want to connect, and this is the easiest place.

A couple of reasons.

1.We aren't looking at each other...it's easier to be honest when we aren't looking at each other.

2. It doesn't interfere with our servant hood as mothers, wives, employees, business owners...whatever your other hats may be.

3. I could use the help, advice, and support.



Hopefully it will be a funny but "real" place to go for a little pat-on-the-back, or kick-in-the-pants, or just a plain old place to vent and find peace.



Here's how it works:

A question of the day, and let the games begin...sound off. Be honest, real and as gritty as you can be. I NEED a place, an open forum. Let'r Rip Mom's.



Day 1 Question of the Day: Should we start off light? Nah!



Do you snoop (read txt messages, search room, car, notebooks, closet, drawers, pockets etc.)? If you find something that is not dangerous but not acceptable what do you do? Confront her and tell her that you were snooping or just keep looking and monitoring what is happening?



I personally snoop. I snoop all of the time. Almost every morning when my girls go to school. I usually try to make it look like I am doing them a "favor" and cleaning their room or something nice like that. But really I am reading and snooping thru everything I can find in their rooms. I have come across a few not criminal, but less than pleasing notes, txt messages, and emails. I have tried to be creative in my attempts to foil their plans. But, they are clever! But if I found something that was potentially damaging or dangerous I would absolutely confront my daughters. Even if it meant that they may find better ways to hide their teenage stupidness.



Ok now you guys. Is it right? Wrong? Sick? Nosey? Controlling? All of the above?